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Bear!!!/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] [ bird squawks ] harold: Gather 'round your television sets, and make sure they're turned on, because this is the wildest wildlife show on the air, bringing you thrills, chills, spills, and a really nice view of our hallway right around... Now! Wa-a-a! It's the show that dares to be different, only because we can't afford to be the same. And here he is, the man who's the most different of them all, the star of the show, and through a cruel twist of dna fate, my uncle. Here he is, the legal owner of "the red green show"! Ladies and gentlemen, mr. Red green! Thank you, harold. Thank you, and, uh, welcome to possum lodge. Not fancy, but it's paid for. We got a good show for you this week. Uh, although, I have no idea what harold meant by the "thrills, chills, and spills." gee, uncle red, I was referring to my directorial digitalizing. That's what gives the show its cutting-edge feel. [ keyboard clacking ] well, that makes me feel like cutting the edge of your digits, harold. This is state of the art, uncle red! Well, I don't know about art, but I know what I like, and that doesn't even come close, and don't you even come close, either. Try to keep that nonsense to a minimum. [ animal groans ] got a bit of a situation going on at the lodge this week. Uh, we're kind of trapped in the lodge. Uh, nobody can go outside. Are we being audited again? No, harold, there's a -- there's a bear outside. A bear? Like, a real bear? Like, with claws and fangs and st-- like, a bear? A bear? Like, what if the bear, like, breaks down the door, like, just mauls us to death for no reason? We should shoot it. We should shoot it. Harold, harold, harold. You know, despite a lot of misconceptions, of which you are one, bears don't just randomly, you know, maul people and kill them, okay? If the bear comes in here and kills you, it'll be to eat you, but that's not gonna happen, harold, 'cause it'll sniff you first. Now, this all got started when our cook, eddie, made some honey-raisin muffins, and he put them out on the back porch until they stopped burning. Oh, so, like, the bear was attracted by the smell of eddie's cooking? No, no, no, no. Even bears aren't that hungry. No, I'll tell you what happened. Old man sedgwick and buster hatfield went down to the store to buy some bear repellant, and dwayne -- you know, being dwayne -- sold them bear musk by mistake, okay? Now, to a bear, bear musk is like a madonna video and the sports illustrated swimwear issue all rolled into one, okay? So, they came back here, and they sprayed that all over the place, and now what we have is a... Is a pretty eager male bear, you know, kind of drooling around the lodge there. Wait a second. If they sprayed, like, bear musk all around, he's not sniffing for food. Oh, you're probably right, and if he comes in here, throat he won't be hungry. Well, let's say we just get rolling with the show, and then we can barricade the door? Yeah, good idea, good idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See the bear sniffing around red's van there? You see the way he's sniffing the trailer hitch? It must be mating season. [ bear growling ] [ siren wailing ] oh! Here comes noel and his fuzz mobile. Yeah? Does he know about the bear? I don't think so. I sure hope he sees it. Wa-a-a! I don't think he does! [ laughs ] he doesn't! He doesn't even know about it! Wa-a-a! The bear still out there, guys? Yeah, yeah. He's stalking noel. Neat, eh? Noel doesn't even know it. Look at him dicking around with his siren. Wa-a-a! Noel: Aaaaaaaaaaah! Well, he knows about it now. Whoa! [ laughs ] wow! He sure can motor! Yeah. [ laughs ] he moves pretty good for a dwarf. Where's he going? Tool shed? Nope. Pump house. Oh, it's locked. Noel: Aaaaaaah! [ laughter ] I've never seen a man hurdle a barbecue before. I got to go get my camera! This is excellent! Aaaaaah! Oh, oh, oh, oh. Look. Look. The boathouse is locked. [ laughter ] I told him we didn't need all those locks. Oh, the bear's gaining on him! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Here he comes! Here he comes! Here he comes! Come on, noel! Come on! Come on! [ bear growling ] noel, noel, noel, noel. Yeah! Noel -- oh, yeah, sure. If you'd like a drink or anything, just help yourself, there. I'll get more. [ panting ] starship entry 167d. Investigate the sighting of a bear near the lodge. Light brown in color, approximately 14 feet tall, definitely male. What are you gonna do about it, noel? Me? I -- which -- if you're referring -- nothing! Well, you're, uh, head of security, there. That's why you're dressed like a fire truck, isn't it? Look, helmut, when it starts breaking into a lodge member's car or swiping cutlery, hey, I'm there for you, buddy. The bear's trespassing, noel. Well, actually, helmut, he's not. We're the ones who are trespassing on his natural habitat. See, because bears were here a long time before us, and they will be here a long time afterwards. Not if noel goes out and shoots him. Wha-- hey, ha ha! I'm not allowed to carry a gun. You can borrow one of mine. I-I'm not even allowed to hold a gun. Well, why don't you go out and do one of those karate tae-kwon-dork moves you're always talking about, then? Look, helmut, that bear's a maintenance problem. You're in charge of maintenance. You get rid of it. Maintenance? What, is the bear clogging the drains? I must have missed that. No, but you are responsible for clearing the paths and the roadways so we can get to the vehicles. Look, I shovel snow. I rake leaves. Anything that moves, you deal with. Right, red? Oh, no, no, you two guys settle this, but whatever you do, settle it in a hurry, because sometime in the next two weeks, somebody's gonna have to use that outhouse. You heard him. Go kill the bear, you coward. He didn't say that! And don't you call me a coward, mister, or else I'll, uh... Or else what? He didn't say I had to kill the bear! Okay, okay. I got the camera figured out. All righty. Noel, go outside, and do exactly what you did before, okay? This time I'm ready. [ laughs ] go on! [ vehicle approaches ] oh! It's murray and dwayne! Oh, I got to get my wide-angle lens for this one. Do they know about the bear? [ chuckles ] I don't think so! Both: Aaaaaaaaaah! Oh, they do now. Oh, this is fun! Wow! Hey, was I that fast when I was running? Faster, only your arms weren't flapping. [ laughs ] [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ as I was walking through the woods one day ♪ ♪ I came upon a swagman jollying on his way ♪ ♪ he said he was waltzing matilda to a billabong ♪ ♪ and he refused to speak english, so I nailed him ♪ [ wood, tools clanking ] red: This week in "handyman corner," we're gonna show you how you can, uh, scare off wild animals. For example, bears. You know, uh, bears hardly ever take a swipe at anybody. They're mostly noise and teeth, kind of like harold. But, you know, uh, what you got to do is you got to find a way to scare him off, and what we're gonna make today is called a bear scarer. See, 'cause in the animal kingdom now, a lot of the fights are avoided by one of the animals making a big display. You'll see a cat putting its fur up, you know, or a peacock will whip his tail out there or dogs will snarl, you know, and show their teeth, and, uh, the idea is you make yourself look real vicious and mean, or at least hard to swallow. To make our bear scarer, you're gonna need some things. You're gonna need some marbles, and you're gonna need some hawaiian shirts. You're gonna need a backpack, aluminum tent pegs. You're gonna need, uh, some eyebolts, some sash cord, and, uh, some rubber gloves. And if you're looking for those things, you may be able to find them all in harold's closet. Now, the first thing I'm gonna show you is, um, how you make the counterweight, uh, noisemaker part of the deal. You take a small can like this, and you put the marbles into the can. All right. And then you put the small can upside-down into the big can. Okay, and then you just cover that over with the handyman's secret weapon. You make two of those, and there are your noisemakers. [ marbles rattling ] they work. Now we're gonna make our visual display. To do that, we take our backpack, put it into the vice... And we're gonna stick on these eyebolts in the top of the vertical supports. Okay, so, once we got our eyebolts on here, we've added the pieces of pvc pipe to the side, and we really horsed her down there with the handyman secret weapon again, duct tape. And again, be generous with the duct tape. You know, spare the duct tape, spoil a job. All right, now we take one of our pieces of sash cord, run it through the eyebolt, okay, like this. The other end, we've again duct-taped to the bottom of one of our tent poles, and we drop that down inside... Inside the pvc pipe. I've done the same thing on the other side. And when we pull the strings... Well, I think you can see where we're going with this. Now we just finish packing in our, uh, plumage here. Now take the ends of the pull cords and attach them to our noisemakers. Now I'm out walking through the woods, and I come across a bear or a wolf or helmut, and I just do what the peacock does. Now, if that doesn't get you to the outhouse safely, I don't know what will. So, remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ clicking ] I'm losing my marbles here. ♪ ooga-chaka, ooga-chaka ♪ "it is winter. The bear sleeps. "not alone like me, "but with many other bears in some dark den. I bet that doesn't smell too great." [ clears throat ] all right, uh, back to the drawing board. Noel, the security guard, now, he wants somebody else to go out there and shoot the bear, but that's illegal unless the bear is a danger, and, actually, with the lodge members being all kind of trapped inside here and not being allowed to go on the lake or on the highways, the danger level is way down. So, then, noel says that maybe helmut should go out and argue with it 'cause they both speak grunt. But helmut doesn't want to do that. Helmut wants us all to dig a big tunnel like they did in that movie "the great escape." then there was a big argument about who was gonna be steve mcqueen. And moose thompson out there tried to lasso the bear, ended up being trapped up in a pine tree. You know, uncle red, actually, you know, bears aren't that dangerous. I saw a movie downtown the other day, and there was, like, these two brown bears, and they were roaming around a national park. They didn't maul anybody or nothing. Actually, you know, they were more afraid of the people than the people were of them. And did they shoot the bears? Oh, no! No, no! See? No. Just ranger smith told yogi and boo boo [ as yogi bear ] to put back those picnic baskets! Well, there you go, harold, eh? Huh? Huh? But our bear isn't hungry, okay? He's smelling musk out there. He's not gonna be satisfied with dinner and a dance. Oh, he wants -- he wants a lady friend. Well, we all want lady friends, harold, but we don't go around drooling and rubbing our rumps up against a tree. No. Even I know that one won't work. Well, you know, it might, but it's not the type of girls your parents would approve of. No. Right. So, anyway, helmut says that the bear is so desperate for a mate that what we can do is duct-tape together a couple of air mattresses, cover them with some fun-fur seat covers, and then douse the whole thing with musk and throw her out there. That might buy us enough time. We can make a break for my van. In the meantime, I'll take us to the next segment, and that'll give us just enough time that I can think of a brilliant plan. This must be a really long segment. I'll go into the store room and get the stuff! How much this gonna cost the lodge? Does $15 sound good? I'll give you $20 if you take a check. Sounds good. Here's the tranquilizer, and here's the bear repellant. [ air hisses ] let's go. [ film projector clicking ] red: Got a real big project for you this week on "adventures with bill." you see those little sticks in there? What he's doing is he's actually gonna show you a little model of what it is that he wants us to build. Uh, he's gonna build a little shelter. You need a horizontal branch. And that's a little one of those little dolls. I didn't even ask about that. It's none of my business, but we're gonna try and build the full-size model of that, not including the doll, of course. So, what we need is... Get the chain saw going. We got to cut a vertical br-- horizontal branch for the -- what? What? What? What? What? Hmm. Oh, well. Um, so, what we're gonna do is instead of cutting it, we'll just use an ax and just chop -- you know, those are strong little trees... Uh, compared to, say, an ax. So, uh, what do we do now, bill? Just -- oh, all right. All right, pull it down. But, you know, this tree has lots of green, got a lot of spring, got a lot of -- it's amazing the power. Oh, boy, oh, boy. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Oh, he's way up there. He's up 70, 80 feet up there. You okay, bill? You okay? Yeah? Yeah? All right. All right. I figured if I shake the tree, that'll help him out a bit. Bill: Wah! Whoa! He didn't seem to be enjoying that too much. Whoa! Whoa! Oh. Sorry, bill. Oh, boy. Well... I got him down, you know, and, uh, he's okay, and, of course, the good thing is, now we have enough branches to make our shelter. [ chain saw revving ] so, we pick these up and, uh... Hmm. Oh, well. Uh, pick these up and, uh, go over there and, uh, find just -- actually, we just found that thing just lying there. I wish we had noticed that -- what the heck. And we lean the branches up against it just like the model, and then what bill wanted to do here was some way of securing the branches right on there, and this is when a lot of your training with the cub scouts or what have you or maybe you did some sailing with captain high liner or whatever it was. Uh, you learn how to tie some really interesting knots, 'cause you got trees and branches coming at a -- oh, oh. Bill, you -- bill's tied one limb too many on. Anyway, we got her all done, and by golly, she's looking good, and put the "for sale" sign up and everything. So, bill goes inside, got the gate on it. What? What? Look out. Bill, bill, look out! Bill, bill! Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Ah, well. No place like home. [ tool clanks ] how's school going this year, harold? Oh, great! Excellent! Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Best year ever. Oh, yeah, yeah. Football team's even winning. Sure. Oh, great. Sounds like you're doing pretty well, then, eh? Me? Oh, no. I'm just barely getting by. The school's doing good, though. I thought you were asking about the school. School's doing good. I'm just, you know, struggling by, as always. Well, harold, I would think you'd be real good in school, you know, 'cause you got the glasses, and you're a real gomer at sports and stuff. Yeah, I know. You'd figure, you know. But I'm doing okay in computers and geography. It's my television class, you know. We're supposed to make a tv show, right, so we each got a $100 budget. So, I made an episode of "the red green show." remember that extra one we made last fall? That one. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, how'd you do on that, anyway? I got a "d"! A "d"! The teacher wanted to know where I spent the other $90. And where did you spend it? I got this really cool computer game, "zortex." so cool! So cool! Wa-a-a! Okay. I'm ready. How are you gonna stop a bear with that? I stick it down his throat, then open it. Murray: Oh, yeah, and while the bear's laughing at that, we can all go to the bathroom. Just don't open that in here. It's bad luck. Please hurry, or we're gonna have even more bad luck. Yeah, he's right. Nature's calling. Who's ready to answer? [ all cheer ] okay, let's go. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Red, I-I'm head of security. I-I should say "let's go." okay. Let's go. Wait! Wait! Wait! I-I forgot something! Ohh! Where's he going? He said he forgot something. You guys don't listen. Reading material. [ all speak indistinctly ] now, remember, guys, animals can smell fear. Yeah, they're not the only one. Okay, when we get there, alphabetical order. Okay. My name's albert. Brian! And allen. [ bear growls ] [ all scream ] whoo! Whoo! Well, the can of bear repellant was a big disappointment. Dwayne pointed it the wrong way and sprayed himself in the face, dropped the can. The bear ate it. At least now the bear won't eat dwayne's face, although I might. We tried a tranquilizer gun, but our aim was off, and we ended up hitting moose thompson up in the pine tree. Uncle red, how long does it take for the tranquilizer to take effect? Just a little bit longer than it takes a bear to maul a person from head to toe. Is that just a guess, uncle red, or is that what it says in the instructions? We can't go on like this much longer. I mean, the washroom situation is getting brutal around here. A lot of the guys have been taking potted plants up to their room. Somebody's gonna have to show a little bravery. Or stupidity. Is that you volunteering? [ screeching ] boy, that bear really is in heat. No, no, no, no. That's the sound of the wild possum. The lodge meeting's about to begin. Oh. Well, we'll just see who's the lucky lodge member who gets to sedate winnie the pooh. [ laughs ] I'm sure glad I'm not a lodge member. Aren't we all? Well, they say that a hero is just a sandwich. Let's go see who gets to hold the pickle. [ screeching ] [ screeching continues ] all rise. All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Sit down. The floor recognizes helmut wintergarden. I would like to know why noel hasn't done anything about the bear yet. Yeah! Why not? Well, uh, I'm not in charge of pest control. My job is to prevent thefts. Good point. Yeah. Well, if you ask me, the bear's stolen your courage, noel. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Oh, yeah? Why don't you go out and talk to it? You might find out it's your uncle or something. All right, hold on, hold on. Look, it's a well-known fact that bears are only in heat for two weeks. I think we can hold out that long. Speak for yourself there, murray. Right? Question. Question. What -- what does, uh, "in heat" mean? Right. Well, harold, uh, "in heat" means the bear has more than georgia on its mind. [ laughing ] don't even pretend to get that. Not a clue. See, harold, animals only get in the mood to mate for a short period of time once a year. Whoo-hoo! Boy, that'd make it easy, wouldn't it? Boy, way more time for nintendo, right? Yeah. Huh? Huh? What? Shut up, harold. Anyway, I think we all agree that it's up to noel or helmut to do something about the bear, right? [ all speak indistinctly ] let's put it to a vote -- noel or helmut? Sure. Yeah. Uh, excuse me. Uh, red, since you're the lodge leader, I think maybe red should do something about the, uh, bear. Sure. Somebody should, yep. Well, I am doing something about it. All those in favor of noel taking care of the bear, say "aye." aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. All of those in favor of helmut taking care of the bear, say "aye." aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Well, there you go, then, don't you? [ laughs ] I-I-it's a tie. All righty. You know what we're gonna do? Uncle red will have to make the deciding vote. [ cheers and applause ] well, I'm gonna need some time to think this over, so, uh, so while I'm deciding, uh, why don't we get murray and dwayne to come up here and give us the evening's entertainment, huh? [ applause ] well, what we're gonna do for you this week, boys, we're gonna tell you the story of goldilocks and the three bears, all right? Boy, it's funny how one scruffy bear who's looking for love in all the wrong places can disrupt so many lives. [ bear groaning ] what's that? Well, love exciting and new, come aboard. We're expecting you. It seems our bear has found himself a lady friend. I think we're gonna be able to go back outside again real soon. Anyway, if my wife is watching, I should be able to get to my van and, uh, come home in about, uh... Two minutes -- just a guess. Maybe you can check to see if you can find our bear-skin rug. So, until next time, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge and the bear and his lady friend, keep your stick on the ice. Yes! Wait, wait. We're not doing the bear stuff yet. Goldilocks. You're goldilocks. I want to be the bear. I know you want to be the bear, but you'll be the bear later. Let him be the bear! All right, be the bear! We'll turn it around. Okay, the bear is in the forest and tired and comes up to this goldenlock family's house, okay? So, anyway, goes up to the door and knocks on the door -- the bear knocks on the door? What are you talking about? It's a fairy tale, and bears can do anything they want. How come you're the bear? Shouldn't you be goldilocks? Well, he wants to be the bear. He's an idiot, and he wants to be the bear. That's the way he is. There's a friend of yours waiting outside. There you go, dwayne. [ all speaking indistinctly ] away you go! Away you go! Wag your tail around at him! Away you go. Away you go. Can I have his job at the store? Most definitely you can, yes. Can I have one of the pups?